Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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