we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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