people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It's blow job season.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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