I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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