so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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