thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize