do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
