I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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