i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
