i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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