I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
