i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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