I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize