my vag is so smooth its legendary
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
