I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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