I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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