you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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