insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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