I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
