Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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