Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
