Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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