Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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