He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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