Moan for me like Helen Keller
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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