Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
