Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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