Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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