when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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