I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
