i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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