If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
