I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize