Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Of course I have a pirate flag
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
