tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
