There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Randomize
