I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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