I got chris browned last night
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
