Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Randomize
