Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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