I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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