Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
