I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
