Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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