the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
