I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
