Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Randomize
