we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
