There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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