I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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