Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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