I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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