I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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