i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize