I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
