I cannot find my penis.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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