I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
