the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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