I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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