I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
