piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
