hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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