Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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